Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Mom said you looked used
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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