Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
how does that bad decision feel?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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