"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
