took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
