i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
