if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
