She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she smelled like a LAN party
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
