so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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