I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
