i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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