That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Randomize
