So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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