I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
