Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
