Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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