I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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