And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Operation Purity has been aborted
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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