Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
