don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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