If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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