I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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