my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
