I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
