It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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