in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
