I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
