is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She even gives head with a lisp.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
