I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
