when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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