his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
