I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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