a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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