ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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