i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
