I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
