Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
