chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
