woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
