I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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