Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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