FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
