did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
