Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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