he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
