I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
