I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
