I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
