u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
