wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
