I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
