Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
