A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
