So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
