Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
