i just wanna soil my oats bro
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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