I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
