If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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