I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
